I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
