so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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