I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize