I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
