i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
