Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize