We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
