I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize