The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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