Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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