You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize