somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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