Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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