Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
