ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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