I wish my penis had an off switch
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
