Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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