My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
