mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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