Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
