she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I stole a fireplace last night.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize