Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
