So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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