I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
