I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
