i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I intend to get homeless drunk
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
