wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize