I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
