After last night, I could never be a politician.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
