My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
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