this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
