Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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