Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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