textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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