Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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