is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
