please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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