you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
