Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
