Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
