Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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