How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
