Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
