made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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