the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
