so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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