we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Randomize
