Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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