I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
