maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
