I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
