So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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