shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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