Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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