So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
