i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
we're so committed to being not committed
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize